WAYNE CREED: Is Reverse Parking a Communist Plot?

By WAYNE CREED
Cape Charles Wave Columnist

June 22, 2015

As Cape Charles is once again menaced by the threat of International Communism, inflammatory statements (aka the Truth), as well as the Virginia Department of Transportation, town citizens that value freedom as a state much prized within the realm of civilized society, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear to our hearts, have taken to the streets to protest the bloody implementation of reverse angle parking — an offense which, many feel, has been unfairly inflicted upon the earthy, owl eyed harbingers of truth, must meet its reckoning, and not a moment too soon.

For the record, the process to achieve higher density parking in Cape Charles began a year ago. The discussions began before the sale of the Be-Lo property, and the loss of overflow parking there. Even though this is a “Town Issue,” nothing happens on that street without the Virginia Department of Transportation. After several public Planning Commission meetings, VDOT’s consensus was that if there was going to be angle parking, it was going to be of the reverse angle variety. The Planning Commission’s recommendation was completely consistent with the VDOT edict. Even though there was ample opportunity for citizens to comment, none, including prominent citizen Schulz, was there to take issue and voice their views. It was later determined that the citizenry could not attend said meetings due to laborious and time consuming efforts aimed at addressing the aggravated lack of Pol le Veq, Porceileu, Savoy Aire, Sampolan, Carrier de lest, and Bres Bleu cheeses at the local Food Lion.

Faced with prime, blue ribbon apathy, and no citizen input, as well as chunks of modern (from this century) theory and research seeming to promote reverse angle parking as the hottest new chick at the dance, the Town rightly or wrongly, boldly and audaciously accepted the opinion of persons with some qualifications, and acquiesced to VDOT’s yen to paint reverse angle spaces on Mason Avenue.

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All that said, Arlington, Richmond, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Indianapolis, Baltimore, and Washington, D.C., just to name a few, have implemented it, and lo and behold, people, whilst cheerfully whistling popular songs from the film Mary Poppins, are still able to park cars in those places. However, Mr. Schulz is correct to point out the fallacy that, similar to the notion that cold corned beef rolls are somehow tastier when they come in sandwich boxes, reverse angle is somehow “more safe” than front end parking. People back out of Food Lion parking spaces all day long. The reverse angle spaces in Cape Charles, however, may prove safer since no one is actually using them.

So, now that they are there, what are the options? I guess you can go back to VDOT and petition to have front end parking, with more analysis, and the proverbial public hearings. With approval, the expensive process of repainting the lines for front end parking could probably begin as soon as fall 2025.

Or, write it off as a bad job, and move on.

Making all of this even more deliciously absurd is the nasty little tidbit that being able to back into a parking space is still part of the Virginia driver’s test. My daughter just passed the test using a big ol’ Crown Victoria (we tested the Vic on the new spaces downtown, and were quite relieved to find that not only could the grand old dame fit into them, but she had .000048787997 millimeters to spare (on both sides of the car of course). My daughter learned this skill by taking driver’s Ed from Coach Harman’s Driving School. However, she claims that she is suffering side effects caused by the classes. Since the radio in the training vehicle only plays two kinds of music: 1) Country, and 2) Western. According to my daughter, “It was horrible, Dad. We listened to country music all day. I even recognize the songs now. AND I KNOW THE LYRICS! HELP ME!” If you are white knuckled about having to access the Mason Ave spaces, you may want to give Coach Harman a call.

Using completely irrelevant and dubious anecdotal evidence to come to a morosely unscientific conclusion, it seems most of the complaining is coming from the over 65 crowd, entitled, self-important baby boomers who must have everything “just their way,” or they throw a fit like an infant that’s had its pacifier taken away. This brouhaha not only highlights just how antediluvian the town is becoming, but also its total lack of perspective.

A little too much perspective you say? Well, maybe not as much as being naked, intoxicated and singing “Heartbreak Hotel” off key at the gates of Elvis Presley’s Graceland at 4 in the morning — but that’s another story. To my point, given the Town is almost $13 million in debt, and is now wrangling to run a PSA sewer pipe out to the highway so that county residents can send poop back into our town (without any assurance that the people using it will have healthy dietary habits), it would seem having to learn to reverse angle park would be the least of your problems.

I do understand the dread and panic reverse angle parking can cause, but it can be a grand adventure, as exciting and exhilarating as getting a Brazilian bikini wax from a drunk and blindfolded (enter your favorite current or former Town Council member or Mayor here). What was once a dull, mundane task is now fraught with dangers — insurance claims, parking tickets, and bears.

This year at the U.S. Open, which is being played at Chambers Bay, players have been complaining the course is too tough –the rough is too high and penal, the fairways are too narrow, the greens are too fast. Jack Nicklaus responded to the whining: “Guys would say a course doesn’t suit their game. It’s not supposed to suit your game. You are supposed to suit your game to the golf course. Shut up and play.”

Fine advice for all parties involved, no doubt. However, given that the struggle against oppression, reality, and inflamed hemorrhoids is the inalienable right of all men, and as the hot summer months make banana and cheese sandwiches less appetizing, even if kept in Tupperware containers, the fight to reverse the angle of the reverse angle parking spaces is sure to continue.