MAKE ME LAUGH: A Page of Corny Jokes

January 26, 2015

EDITOR’S WARNING: The following has nothing to do with the Eastern Shore. It is merely a reprint from a Florida weekly newspaper of the corniest jokes we have heard in 50 years. The first challenge: read them without cracking a smile. The second challenge: quit reading them before you reach the end.

COMPILED BY JACK KING
St. Cloud In The News

WARM-UPS
Q. What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh

Q: What was the name of the girl who kept a frog on her head?
A: Lily

Q: Why does a dog wag its tail?
A: Because no one else will wag it for him.

NOW FOR A LONGER ONE
A team of little animals agreed to play football with a team of big animals. During the first half of the game the big animals were winning, but in the second half a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. Afterward, a chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” The centipede replied, “Putting on my shoes.”

RIDDLES
Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two more letters to it?
A: Short

Q: A man leaves home, turns left three times, and then returns home where he sees two men wearing masks. Who are those masked men?
A: A catcher and an umpire

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims

Q: What did the snowman say to the customer?
A: Have an ice day!

GRAVEYARD HUMOR
On Halloween a kid takes a shortcut through a graveyard, where he is startled to hear a tapping sound coming out of the darkness. Trembling with fear, he sees an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “Whew, I thought you were a ghost,” says the kid. “Why are you working so late?” The old man just grumbles, “Idiots — they misspelled my name!”

PASSWORD PROBLEM
While visiting the home of his grown daughter, a father calls her at work to ask for the password to the WiFi. “It’s taped under the modem,” she tells him. Fifteen minutes later he calls her again. “I’ve tried over and over but I can’t log in. Am I spelling this right: T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M.

AND THE LAST JOKE IS. . .
Two robbers hold up a restaurant. They line up the customers against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, the first robber jams something into the second robber’s hand. Without looking down, the second robber whispers, “What is this?” to which the first robber replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”

OK, ONE MORE, BUT THAT’S IT
After watching sales fall for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, “What can I do?” The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread,’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’ If you do it, I’ll donate $10 million to the Vatican.” The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s Prayer and I cannot change the words.” So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. “Listen, your Holiness. I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’” And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s Prayer, and I can’t change the words.” So the Colonel hangs up again. But after two more months of terrible sales the Colonel is really desperate, so he calls the Pope again. “This is my final offer, your Holiness. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken,’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.” The Pope replies, “Let me get back to you.” The next day, the Pope calls together all of his cardinals and he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.” The cardinals rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”